Doubt
by xfmoon
Summary: Jemma is having some major self-doubt issues. Introspective tag to 4x15 Self Control.


**A/N:** That episode, and Elizabeth and Iain's acting just blew my mind.

 **Spoilers:** For episode 4x15 Self Control.

 **Disclaimer:** I have lots of doubts, I will own up to that, but what I don't own are the rights to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

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Doubt. A crippling feeling. Rendering you unable to act. One thing is not knowing if the Easter bunny is real or if Santa really exists or any mundane crap like that. But questioning your whole damn existence, not knowing if you are actually you or a robot replacement, now _that_ is agony. And if that wasn't enough, in that moment you had to be standing opposite your boyfriend, who's having the exact same problem. So at the same time you don't know if you're really you, you don't know if you can trust him either. That is a major punch to the stomach, not knowing if you can or can't trust your best friend in the entire world. The one person that have always been there for you, the one who have always had your back. And now you're here, standing face to face and you're not sure if he's him, or you're you, or if his next action is be going to be helping you or killing you.

 **xXx**

Her mind is going haywire. At least she has her gun. She can protect herself. But what if he's the one that needs protecting from her? What if she is programmed to hurt him? To kill him. If she's not her. How can she know? How will she ever figure it out? She can't think clearly, she needs Fitz for that, and right now he's standing with his hands up, looking at her like she has just shattered his entire world, his trust. It hurts her to see him like that. But she has no choice in the matter. Why does this always happen to them? What did they do to deserve this never-ending doom?

She's angry, and hurt, and confused, not to mention scared. He has to be the decoy; he's trying to mess with her head, sparking her doubts further. Saying she's the android, that she don't even know it herself, that she's like the May replacement. But unless it's a clever mind game, all that could hold true for him too. It was one of them; logically it had to be either him or her.

When she sees the knife an idea, on how to end this whole charade, forms. It's highly irrational, but the fogginess in her brain isn't lifting. Instead a determination enters. She needs to know the truth, whatever the cost. If one of them is an LMD, the other one, the _real_ one, is somewhere out there alone, and that's not how they work, they have to be together, it's an instinctive yet unexplainable need. She needs to see his substructure, if he has metal rods or human bones. It's the only way. He's crying, and she's pretty sure she is a mirror image. He's saying he will do whatever she asks. Is it because she's holding a gun? Or does he just trust her that much? Is she the crazy one here?

She's sure it's not her. 100 percent! Maybe 97? Or 87 perhaps. It couldn't be, could it? She refuses to let the uncertainty take hold. If she does it'll fester, and she'll lose her nerve, then she'll realize how terrible an idea this is. But he's right..., if she is wrong about this, if he's him and she's the LMD she just convinced him to slit his own wrists. Would the real Jemma do that? Would she handle his life with so little care? He says he wouldn't hurt her, that he couldn't. Does she believe him? If he's not real he still does have Fitz's memories, it could just be an automatic response. A lie. Something imbedded in his programming. She needed to distance herself to try and keep a clear head.

Fitz would never fight her, never hurt her, but would he slit his wrists for her? He'd certainly die for her, she knew that much. But like this? With her wielding the figurative sword and not some of their, by now, long list of unnamed enemies. This was like willingly walking into friendly fire. Why would he do that...? Why would he do that if he wasn't already certain that he'd survive, that the cut in his skin would be all for show, and wouldn't hurt him one bit. Had he asked her to do the same, she wouldn't have, not this readily. Fitz didn't have a dead wish, she was sure of that, so this had to be a robot. Right? But when blood spilled out and he doubled over in pain, she wasn't so sure anymore. Could she have been wrong? Was she a monster? Had she just killed the one thing that the real Jemma Simmons couldn't live without?

Her doubts this time were short lived as she felt a prompt pain shoot up her leg, immediately followed by something big crashing into her skull.

 **xXx**

She woke up loosely tied to a chair, her vision was blurred and her head was filled with even more fogginess than before. Her doubts now replaced with betrayal. How could this robot that supposedly had Fitz's mind do this to her? He claimed it was to protect her from being harmed or killed, but wasn't he the one doing the harming at the moment? They both loved science, sure, but they would never put the potential usability of their discoveries ahead of themselves. True, uploading their minds into the Framework might save them both a world of hurt. But could they be sure that consciousness and the physical body was really and truly separate? This theory of Radcliffe's that allegedly was a cure for dead, a way for them to stop fearing losing each other all the time, and start being together for eternity; it sounded good on paper. But this was not the way to test it out. And it wasn't what she or Fitz wanted.

Forcing someone to make a big decision like that, it just wasn't right. And the rationalization that it was for the purpose of securing their future, was just plain wrong. No one could predict the future; no one should be able to. If everything was planned out, where would the fun be; the discoveries, the unexpected? It wasn't life. It was black and white, a world full of ones and zeros. You needed grey matter to live; life happens between the binary codes, in the cracks and crannies, where the flowers grow wild, the child falls down and scrapes his knees, and your heartbeat quickens for a few beats.

This "thing" was not Fitz. That was what her mind told her as she continuously stabbed him with little to no effect. It looked like him and it sounded like him, which was why she tried very hard to neither look at nor listen to him. But when she did all she saw in his familiar eyes or heard in his sweet voice was a deception. This was not her Fitz! One final blow to the side of his neck, and the sparks erupting assured the crippling doubts that still lurked in her mind; that she didn't just kill her soulmate.

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 **A/N:** Seriously I'm still screaming over this episode. Also mean LMD Fitz is way too creepy!

Is it April yet?


End file.
